The Toilet Seat Heist: A Tale of Betrayal, Bureaucracy, and Bad Decisions

 Some letters are filled with heartfelt emotions. Some contain secrets best left unspoken. And some, like this one, exist purely to torment a man who just wanted to use his own toilet in peace.

Mike (the Toilet Seat Champ) has committed a despicable crime. He has stolen a toilet seat—not out of necessity, not because it made sense, but simply because he could. Was it for the thrill? A show of arrogance? An attempt to humble his dear friend Nick, a man who—until now—had the luxury of sitting comfortably in his own home? We may never truly know.

What we do know is this: instead of simply returning the stolen seat, Mike has conducted a survey.

✔ How much do you miss your toilet seat?
✔ What have you learned from this experience?
✔ On a scale from ‘slightly peeved’ to ‘actively plotting revenge,’ how mad are you?

One thing is certain—Nick’s bathroom is now a cold, unforgiving wasteland. And Mike? Mike is still at large.

I wrote it down so I could let it go,

— Elsie Thorne